The first time I started wearing a head scarf was on Monday, 4th October 2004.
That morning, I got ready as usual, with the only difference at the end my routine being me putting on a head scarf, instead of styling and fluffing up my hair to give it some "body". Then I showed Amil and told him that I was going to start wearing the scarf today. He was surprised and said that maybe I would want to consider wearing it when Ramadhan, which was around the corner, starts. I replied that I was already fasting, to repay the days missed, so I may as well start now. Amil smiled, gave me a kiss and wished me the best, since he knew how nervous I was feeling.
Days before, I had asked Amil what he thought if I started to wear the scarf now (as in in the near future and not when I am older, say around 40 years and passed my "hey" days). Though I know my decision would be independently made, the support from him would make it easier. "It's always a good time to do good things" he replied. Short, sweet and straight to the point, but that was all that I needed.
Other than Islamic reasons for my wearing a scarf, sheepishly I have to admit that on bad hair days I am glad I wear a scarf so I do not have to make any painful and elaborate attempts to resuscitate my flat and lifeless hair, nor do I have to explain to my work colleagues the "oh, my wet look is actually just me trying out a new hair care product", which is really a result of my hair dryer failing to function.
On the other hand, also sheepishly, I have to admit that during some of the times when I have had good hair days, even sometimes wonderfully sexy hair days, I feel like wearing nothing over my head and just walking out the door, do a few of those hair ad moves for all the world to see. I want to experience that feeling I had pre scarf wearing days, the pride I felt when heads turned and people looked at me, even if those feelings were not spiritually right for me.
But this want more or less grinded to a halt just a couple of days ago on Monday, 20th November 2006.
I was having one of those good, wonderfully sexy hair days and after dressing up in a black top and jeans, felt like embarking on one of those hair ads head turning outing. In reality however, I was about to take Umar and Musa out to The Curve to meet Amil for dinner.
Anyway, deciding to play a joke on Umar, I turned to look at him, struck a pose, with my body-filled hair loose around my shoulders, and asked him whether he was ready to go out. He looked up at me, his cute impish face smiling away and said "But Mummy, you forgot to wear your scarf!". I told him that no, I didn't forget and I was going to go out dressed the way I was. "But Mummy, your scarf makes you look pretty!".
That was the moment. I felt a rush of emotion that I could not fully comprehend. I was ashamed of myself, but at the same time I was so proud of my son. And now I am thankful that he unknowingly taught me a valuable lesson.
This wonderful innocent child, my little boy, made me realise that it does not matter what the whole world thinks of me. What matters is that when I make a decision, and feel that it is made for the right reasons, then I must stand by that decision through thick and thin, not only through flat hair days but good hair days too, and in body, mind and soul.
I then put on my scarf, took a good look at myself and smiled. Not so much because my little boy thought I looked pretty but more so because my little boy had humbled me. Thank you Umar.
This photo of me was taken at my workplace in Shah Alam on 16th June 2006.
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